[kFoyauextlH]

Do you all feel that striving, that rage, that desire for something? What is it we want? What is it that we are looking for? What makes us happy and what do we expect will make us happy?

I have this burning inside, and its made up of frantic dreams and hunger, a very deep sort of lust and cry for interest away from boredom and the mundane.

I am thrilled by exhaustion though, and it seems at times that exhaustion may be what is sought, a kind of extinguishing of desire, where finally it can be said that I am sated and had enough, but then again it emerges.

I don’t even particularly like or care for or really admire the things I look into or look for. They never directly satisfy me, and in the ways they stimulate me, they seem to be pointing to something else more hidden, like I am trying to find words to say something or gasping simply to breathe.

Its a terrible feeling really, like mourning for something or searching for something I already have which is well alive and not gone, but can not be reached or finalized or completed, ever.

This is like the suffering of an immortal paradox, an eternal engine that never completes a cycle truly.

If home is where the heart is, the wanderer finds nothing but endless wastes in the heart. Striving for Worship through dead idols and ideations. Thirsty with only spit to suffice.

[Whisper]

Yes, I do. Have you traveled, and searched for it across this planet? There is more in that, too.

[kFoyauextlH]

I don’t have any money really but I’ve been here and there whenI was younger. I am kind of locked up wherever I go, I am not slowed into the USA currently due to some computer error or something. I wasn’t allowed out of the USA before that, besides not having any money really and just being shuffled around to one highly restricted situation to another. So the only freedom I’ve had has been in my mind. In life its been constant delay and obstruction and like moving through molasses with sudden abrupt and drastic changes here and there. Its been the life of a forgotten prisoner.

[atreestump]

Now this is a proper philosophical question, what is rage, anger, contempt? We experience these emotions and actions (no need to see these as separate) because we search for something like happiness and act/think out of duty in my opinion.

[kFoyauextlH]

Yes. I can let you guys know through detailed description all about my feelings as I keep very close track of these. Giving them particular explanations does not seem to necessarily help to change what happens. I get this sense of hunger or fire like I want to devour things, like I am a wolf or possessed by a rage of desire and yearning and striving with no particular goal. Its just a kind of excess of excited energy that is present and there is lots of it. Its like I want to dance, flee, run, jump, cry, to do something, have something, want something.

I find its best expression in telling the truth, in sharing myself, in letting people know who and what I am.

[Author]

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